Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
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To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Blew my mind.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
He’s cranky this morning
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)