Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
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Pretty certain the only way I’d ever be involved in gardening is if someone murdered me & planted me in their garden.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
ME: I play for the Philadelphia Eagles.
HER: What position do u play?
ME: I’m a *thinks back to the only game I watched* wide-retriever.
*buys roofies, slips then into girlfriends drink, plays video games for 8 hours straight in peace and quiet*
“Kids, are you asleep?”
*turns off the wifi*
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”
Do, Re, uh…
*calls Lionel Ritchie*
“What comes after Do & Re on a music scale?”
Is it Mi you’re looking for?