Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”

Me: “So how does that make you feel?”

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Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs


Pretty certain the only way I’d ever be involved in gardening is if someone murdered me & planted me in their garden.


CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny


Him: no one will steal your identity that way

Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that


ME: I play for the Philadelphia Eagles.

HER: What position do u play?

ME: I’m a *thinks back to the only game I watched* wide-retriever.


*buys roofies, slips then into girlfriends drink, plays video games for 8 hours straight in peace and quiet*


“Kids, are you asleep?”


*turns off the wifi*



[ creating bats ]

god: well we already made birds



angel: what if they were goth

god: omg what IF they were goth tho


When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”



*singing scales*
Do, Re, uh…
*calls Lionel Ritchie*
“What comes after Do & Re on a music scale?”
Is it Mi you’re looking for?