Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
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A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.