Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
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[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
LOL
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that