Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
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I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Meanwhile in Canada…
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.