@SoulYodeler
Omg I’m so thirsty-
*Kool-Aid Man busts through wall* OH YEAHH
*Sugar-free zero calorie Kool-Aid Man jiggles door handle* LITTLE HELP HERE
@1ofthe7dwarves
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
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@SoulYodeler
@scant_alpaca
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
@Swishergirl24
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
@taitutu
Judging by your selfie, I can’t help wonder why your mother didn’t try & sell you to a circus when you were younger.
@mydudemybroski
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
@RiotGrlErin
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
@WorldofWid
Whoever called it a “dust bunny” was in a super good mood.
@iLikeCatShirts
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
@roxiqt
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
@simoncholland
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.