PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.

ME: Is it saying anything?

PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…

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Omg I’m so thirsty-

*Kool-Aid Man busts through wall* OH YEAHH

*Sugar-free zero calorie Kool-Aid Man jiggles door handle* LITTLE HELP HERE


If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face


Judging by your selfie, I can’t help wonder why your mother didn’t try & sell you to a circus when you were younger.


*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*

me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”


when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.


Whoever called it a “dust bunny” was in a super good mood.


Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”


ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie

THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?

ME: Oh yeah


My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.