@1ofthe7dwarves

PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.

ME: Is it saying anything?

PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…

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@SoulYodeler

Omg I’m so thirsty-

*Kool-Aid Man busts through wall* OH YEAHH

*Sugar-free zero calorie Kool-Aid Man jiggles door handle* LITTLE HELP HERE

@Swishergirl24

If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face

@taitutu

Judging by your selfie, I can’t help wonder why your mother didn’t try & sell you to a circus when you were younger.

@mydudemybroski

*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*

me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”

@RiotGrlErin

when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.

@WorldofWid

Whoever called it a “dust bunny” was in a super good mood.

@iLikeCatShirts

Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”

@roxiqt

ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie

THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?

ME: Oh yeah

@simoncholland

My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.