If you steal my tweets I’ll just unfollow you cuz your tweets are terrible.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
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Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
MOM: You give that back to him, mister
ME: Ok mom
MOM: and what do we say now?
ME: *climbing off unicycle* sorry I tried to steal your girl