@QwertyJones3

PSYCHIC: I can see your future

ME: Are you really a medium?

PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*

ME: Medium. Son of a gun…

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@ShortSleeveSuit

Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?

Her: I can’t quite tell

Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves

@AmandaRNH

Apple is releasing new product information today.

That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.

@MunkMania

3: Who’s that on your shirt?

Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.

3: I don’t like him.

Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

@dubstep4dads

“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”

@MarkAFuqua_Hunt

You say you’re an atheist, yet you tell people they can “go to hell!”

Make up your mind already.

@Stella1070

I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.

@Babasnookie

Anyone else’s car getting 3 weeks to the gallon right now?

@mikefossey

cant afford an MRI so im just going to get in the dryer with all my fridge magnets and have my friend stand outside it and write down all the sounds i make

@TheRolo

Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?

Me: we met at a nickelback conc-

Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder