PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
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ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
this will hang in the louvre one day
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager