@QwertyJones3

PSYCHIC: I can see your future

ME: Are you really a medium?

PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*

ME: Medium. Son of a gun…

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@brownbear952

Favorite Doubles:
1. Scotch
2. Cheeseburgers
3. Bourbon
4. Entendres
5. Dipping

@daemonic3

Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.

@Home_Halfway

The only difference between a roller coaster and a social event is that I scream less on the roller coaster

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.

4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?

My wife: He cried the most.

@UnFitz

I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.

@checkyourfox

I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.

@Shenaniglenns

Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend

Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!

Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what

@daemonic3

“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”

– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients

@internetluke

[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”

@DiamondGirl127

“Iowa man arrested after fight over peanut butter and jelly sandwiches” – I’m just gonna assume this is 1 of you guys