@QwertyJones3

PSYCHIC: I can see your future

ME: Are you really a medium?

PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*

ME: Medium. Son of a gun…

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@WheelTod

Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands

@ddsmidt

I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.

@squirrel74wkgn

*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*

@Mirimade

Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: YES!

Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?

Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!

Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: Yes!

Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?

@DaddyJew

I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work

@dafloydsta

INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?

ME: That’s right.

INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?

@bellicosejason

I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.