Good cop: “Confess and we will go easy on you”
Sweet tooth cop: “You bes-
-ICE CREAM MAN!”
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
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Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
My husband was surprised to learn that my daughter’s Wednesday swim lesson was being held on a Wednesday again.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
just gonna leave this here
Always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*