Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
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When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free