Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.

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People at the gym in January who dress like they’re obsessed with working out won’t be there by, probably the end of this sentence.


I just read a short, astounding opening sentence that employs a semicolon, so that it will alienate all those who are put off by semicolons, but uses it incorrectly, so that it will also alienate those who aren’t.


Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating

Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow


Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you


You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.


It has been brought to my attention that people stickers on car windows are NOT pedestrian kills,but family members. Removing mine ASAP.


Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese


and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE


EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*