@chrisdowning

Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.

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@Sarcasticsapien

People at the gym in January who dress like they’re obsessed with working out won’t be there by, probably the end of this sentence.

@HMittelmark

I just read a short, astounding opening sentence that employs a semicolon, so that it will alienate all those who are put off by semicolons, but uses it incorrectly, so that it will also alienate those who aren’t.

@alexlumaga

Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating

Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow

@iAmJuddy

Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you

@simoncholland

You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.

@MsLadyLuvBug

It has been brought to my attention that people stickers on car windows are NOT pedestrian kills,but family members. Removing mine ASAP.

@DrakeGatsby

Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese

@CopBroughtPizza

and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE

@flashember

EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS