@chrisdowning

Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.

You Might Also Like

@mysteryteacher

Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?

Everybody.

@Ten_Toes_7

opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve

@amore_orless

Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”

@PlainTravis

I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.

@drinksmcgee

Dog Lawyer: And what crime have you been accused of?

Owner Defendant: Buying vegetarian “bacon” treats.

*dog jurors howl in disgust*

@delasoulless

Faster! Faster! Faster! Don’t stop! Almost there!Yes! YESSSS! -me trying to get everyone through the traffic light.

@LizerReal

*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*

Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —

Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?

@Tommytoughstuff

[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)

@Desert_Musings

My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.