Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
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Am I having a stroke?
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Life hack
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people