Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
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[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
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nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something