ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
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I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Me: can i get that last tub of frozen cow juice ?
Sales assistant: oh ha ha, thats ben and jerry’s
Me: *Leans in and slides a 50 over the counter* i wont tell em if you dont
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
I switched my cellphone to ‘airplane mode’ and threw it up into the air.. must tell you: WORST. TRANSFORMER. EVER.