[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
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My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
U talkin 2 me?
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.