Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?

friend: what day is it today

me: it’s mar 10

friend: like mario!

me: itsa mar 10

The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.

One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.

I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.

Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.

I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.

me: what’s the weather today

weatherman: party sunny

me: and tomorrow?

weatherman: partly cloudy

me: what’s the difference

weatherman:

me:

weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much

[a red dot appears on my forehead]

This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕

Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.

And now we wait.

Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.

My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.

Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there

how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google

If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.

After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.

What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉

sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw

Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.

Husband: It just happened.

Me: But it was in the past.

Husband: It was five minutes ago.

Me: In. The. Past.

Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed

A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”

1.

A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.

Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.

Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn

My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.

*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*

have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car

me: i have test anxiety

classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers

jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D

Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.

Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away