Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”
Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
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Me: I got you these
Wife: Self Rising, All Purpose and Wholewheat?
Me: Well you said I never buy you flours
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Interviewer: Where did you receive your education?
Interviewer: Wow! When did you graduate?
Me: I yust got out in Yuly
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
me: are you checking me out
21st century divorce:
I want it stipulated that he can’t change the Netflix password.
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?