@callmeEvian

Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes

You Might Also Like

@PhilJamesson

Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?

@edanto_

Your girlfriend is so good in bed but can’t do house chores. When your relatives complain you be like “You guys don’t know her very well”

@AaronFullerton

“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.

@KeetPotato

me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”

@nocturnallyme

Cereal. Check.

Milk. Check.

Bread. Check.

Fruit. Check.

Salad. Check.

Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.

@rajandelman

My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search

@geowizzacist

Me: The brake pads breaked.

Mechanic: Broke.

Me: The broke pads breaked.

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:14:”bellicosejason”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/2920777729/0790156818043637f77bc218ae309e04_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”322024322468302849″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”44″;s:5:”tweet”;s:58:”In order to catch a bus, one must first think like a bus..”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@IfIwassomething

I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.

@ArfMeasures

Me *pointing gun* give me all your money

Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol

Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix

Bank teller: you want it in 20s or