Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes

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Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”

Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.


Me: I got you these

Wife: Self Rising, All Purpose and Wholewheat?

Me: Well you said I never buy you flours


My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park ūüôĀ


Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.


Interviewer: Where did you receive your education?

Me: Yale

Interviewer: Wow! When did you graduate?

Me: I yust got out in Yuly


I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸


21st century divorce:
I want it stipulated that he can’t change the Netflix password.


[paleontology class]

PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?

STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?


STUDENT: *smug look*

PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous