11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
You Might Also Like
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
absolute chaos
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
This was the best day of my life
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”