@YeahDrewisOn

Psychoanalysis is just regular analysis performed by one of my exes

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@anerdonfire2

I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.

@thatUPSdude

Me: I need to go

Tequila: No stay, have a couple more

Me: I need to go to bed

Tequila: Shhhh just sleep on the floor, I got you

@MooseAllain

“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”

@matthandlersux

a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans

@AnOrangeSNES

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

@ClichedOut

me: dinosaurs can’t talk

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead, barb

@TheAlexP

Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.

@anjeanettec

I dream about living in a world where Adobe never asks me to update it.