@YeahDrewisOn

Psychoanalysis is just regular analysis performed by one of my exes

You Might Also Like

@EndhooS

Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?

@KWalps

Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!

Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?

Dracula: *sighing* I guess.

@parkersJoking

If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad

@charliedelta7

One day, someone will call me sir without adding “I think we’re going to have to ask you to leave.”

@Tups13

Eating Doritos and watching Judge Judy in my underpants.

Whoa! Dude!

Why is Judge Judy in my house? And why is she wearing my underpants??

@imchriskelly

Remember, you need to binge all of #TheOtherTwo before seeing “Avengers Endgame” this weekend or it won’t make any sense.

@ClamDive

Blood is thicker than water, so I’m going to have to use Comet on this bathtub

@Daveastated

Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!

Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?

@BettyBowers

“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.