Psychoanalysis is just regular analysis performed by one of my exes

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Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?


Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!

Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?

Dracula: *sighing* I guess.


If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad


One day, someone will call me sir without adding “I think we’re going to have to ask you to leave.”


Eating Doritos and watching Judge Judy in my underpants.

Whoa! Dude!

Why is Judge Judy in my house? And why is she wearing my underpants??


Remember, you need to binge all of #TheOtherTwo before seeing “Avengers Endgame” this weekend or it won’t make any sense.


Blood is thicker than water, so I’m going to have to use Comet on this bathtub


Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!

Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?


“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.