Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
You Might Also Like
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.