Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Psychologist: Go to your happy place.
Me: *grabs car keys*
Psychologist: Where are you going?
Me: The liquor store.
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Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
CW: I spent all weekend raking leaves.
Me: I don’t rake.
CW: Leaves will kill your grass!
Me: I wonder how grass survived before humans.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Just found out that A Tale of Two Cities was originally serialised in two local newspapers.
It was The Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.