@DumbConfessions

Psychologist: Go to your happy place.

Me: *grabs car keys*

Psychologist: Where are you going?

Me: The liquor store.

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@bazecraze

Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.

@KevinFarzad

Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?

@theNuzzy

There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?

@markedly

How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do

@TheMichaelRock

CW: I spent all weekend raking leaves.

Me: I don’t rake.

CW: Leaves will kill your grass!

Me: I wonder how grass survived before humans.

@stevevsninjas

Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?

Like they do now… Holy shit.

@squirrel74wkgn

My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.

@FurnessGirl

Just found out that A Tale of Two Cities was originally serialised in two local newspapers.

It was The Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times.

@mommajessiec

If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.

@sjredmond

Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.