Psychologist: Go to your happy place.

Me: *grabs car keys*

Psychologist: Where are you going?

Me: The liquor store.

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Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.


Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.


Her: I’m running a little late.
M: how many more seconds er I mean yeah sure take your time.

Me, trying to play it cool with the babysitter


I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs


*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*

Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…


Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?

Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?

Cop:Lol, nevermind


I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl


Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky

Vampire: don’t say it like that


People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.