Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Psychologist: Go to your happy place.
Me: *grabs car keys*
Psychologist: Where are you going?
Me: The liquor store.
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Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Her: I’m running a little late.
M: how many more seconds er I mean yeah sure take your time.
Me, trying to play it cool with the babysitter
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.