Psychologist: Go to your happy place.

Me: *grabs car keys*

Psychologist: Where are you going?

Me: The liquor store.

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there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him


The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.


My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.


She won’t admit she’s obsessed with Instagram…

But her kids’ names are Brannan, Kelvin, and Valencia.


I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.


Me: I don’t like online shopping. I’m old school. I need to touch it, smell it, taste it.
Her: I still need you to leave our lingerie store.


Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.


Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.


Him: This house is perfect for us!
Her: What about the kids?
Him: You’re right. We’ll have to put them up for adoption


I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.

Except you. You get under me.