HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
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*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Churches: lmao corona isn’t real u idiots. u can’t even see it
Me: yeah but what abou-
Churches: that’s DIFFERENT
Her: What did you do for fun in college?
Me [remembers organizing 10,000 baseball cards in order of career batting average]: had sex, got high
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style