Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
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They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.