@stevevsninjas

Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.

You Might Also Like

@Dawn_M_

HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.

@mommy_cusses

*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”

@crocodilethumbs

Churches: lmao corona isn’t real u idiots. u can’t even see it

Me: yeah but what abou-

Churches: that’s DIFFERENT

@disa_panda

Her: What did you do for fun in college?

Me [remembers organizing 10,000 baseball cards in order of career batting average]: had sex, got high

@JessObsess

The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.

@DevilryFun

Somedays I feel like running away.

Then I remember how much I hate running.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.

@bridger_w

I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style