@mattewe02

[psychologists office]

Cupid: I’m just jaded. I feel overlooked

Dr.: Why, because of Rudolph?

Cupid: Not really he’s a really great deer, I just…

Dr.: What is it?

Cupid: I just can’t believe I’m the second most famous Cupid like what are the friggin’ odds

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@Desert_Musings

Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.

@SemFitty

*wear sunscreen*

*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*

*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*

@weinerdog4life

If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.

@stuckinaportal

[portal opens]

dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!

gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-

dark lord: not now gary

@Manda_like_wine

Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.

@TheCiscoKidder

My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.

@thesulk

I think Sandra Bullock chooses movies based solely on the number of times she can say “Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!”

@clichedout

HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime

ME: I can change Becky

HER: promise?

ME: into a semi truck

@TheHyyyype

[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit

@Rollmaninoz

*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*