Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
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…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
What the hell happened in there??
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
A dead goose is called a ghoost
I enjoy a good short stor
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be