Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
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“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
*sewing*
A thread
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?