Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
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SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
SCARY COSTUME
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.