If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
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Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*