*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
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*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?