tinder is all about the long game
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It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”