Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.

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Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.


Obama: “Anybody else wanna see my birth certificate?” Drops mic, walks away.


Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation


Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.


My fighting style is best known as grabbing the last slice of pizza and running away.


I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.


“this has never happened before”
is that a yes or no?
“let me check”
[talks into radio]
“steve can we let a dog on the rollercoaster?”


INTERVIEWER: what is your greate-

ME: mindreading.

INTERVIEWER: … greatest weakness



ME: mindreading poorly


[black jack]

ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged