@mstern68

Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.

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@TheBoydP

Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.

@TheThomason

Obama: “Anybody else wanna see my birth certificate?” Drops mic, walks away.

@unrealRichardC

Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation

@amydillon

Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.

@delusions_of

My fighting style is best known as grabbing the last slice of pizza and running away.

@katy_fit

I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.

@KeetPotato

“this has never happened before”
is that a yes or no?
“let me check”
[talks into radio]
“steve can we let a dog on the rollercoaster?”

@theb0tfather

INTERVIEWER: what is your greate-

ME: mindreading.

INTERVIEWER: … greatest weakness

ME:

INTERVIEWER:

ME: mindreading poorly

@Christweetpher_

[black jack]

DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged