My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Townsperson: these are always so morbid
Me: *quickly hiding giant foam finger*
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I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
4:*calls thing wrong name
4:*repeats wrong name
4:*maintains eye contact and repeats wrong name slowly
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
I’m putting “open bar” on my invitations, but its gonna be a cash bar. Just because its my 3rd wedding doesn’t mean u can skip it, slackers.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because they’ll never find the body.