@refreshingslurp

[public execution]

Townsperson: these are always so morbid

Me: *quickly hiding giant foam finger*

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@PanicRestroom

Whenever I see someone posting a picture with a celebrity, I comment: “Who’s that next to you?”

@TheToddWilliams

[Bethsaida 28 AD]

BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves

“Five loaves please”

BAKER: Huh?

“Jesus is here”

BAKER: Sonuva

@slennonhugs

I’m a simple man *bites a pinecone* I enjoy simple things *tosses a gun into a lake* that’s why I decided to let these bees live in my skull

@TheCatWhisprer

Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.

@Marlebean

There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.

I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!

@mommajessiec

While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.

@Marlebean

P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.

@DirtMcTurd

I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules

@Breadery

Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.

@DoucheMcBaggus

When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.