*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
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I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
This kid is going places
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
bro what is going on at twitter
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money