Whenever I see someone posting a picture with a celebrity, I comment: “Who’s that next to you?”
Townsperson: these are always so morbid
Me: *quickly hiding giant foam finger*
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[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
“Jesus is here”
I’m a simple man *bites a pinecone* I enjoy simple things *tosses a gun into a lake* that’s why I decided to let these bees live in my skull
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.