“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
You Might Also Like
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji