and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
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Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.