Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
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i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.