Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
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Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
at ease…shoulder.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?