As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
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I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.