@randypaint

publisher: “harry & ron” i love that lol boring names in a magical world

jk rowling: hermione

publisher: ok

jk rowling: albus dumbledore

publisher: ok i get it i was wrong

jk rowling: cornelius fudge lmao

publisher: what

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@truegritrumble

BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*

@sonictyrant

Sloth Dad: i got some fireworks to celebrate your birthday

Sloth Son: um dad my birthday is four months away

Sloth Dad: okay I’m lighting them get ready to run

@KeetPotato

[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]

@BoogTweets

Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!

Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*

@ChaseMit

In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.

@handsock_butts

girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own

@PyrBliss

McDonalds wants you to tell your family you love them because if you keep eating McDonalds it won’t be long before you’re dead.

@AaronFullerton

“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”

@RuinMyWeek

[God & his assistant making giraffes]

ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?

*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*