BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
publisher: “harry & ron” i love that lol boring names in a magical world
jk rowling: hermione
jk rowling: albus dumbledore
publisher: ok i get it i was wrong
jk rowling: cornelius fudge lmao
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Sloth Dad: i got some fireworks to celebrate your birthday
Sloth Son: um dad my birthday is four months away
Sloth Dad: okay I’m lighting them get ready to run
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
McDonalds wants you to tell your family you love them because if you keep eating McDonalds it won’t be long before you’re dead.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*