Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
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Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.