@animaldrumss

Publisher: Mike we can’t accept your children’s book. It’s far too stupid for even the stupidest child.
me: It was supposed to be for adults

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@SonOfCha

They say if you ever get attacked by a shark you should punch it in the nose which is easy cause imagine how composed you would be.

@prufrockluvsong

gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone

me: don’t worry I only breathe air

@mydmac

I am religious. I religiously avoid church.

@JhonRules

Dammit I forgot my headphones and I’m at the airport wait here’s some for 16 million dollars thank god.

@Humor_Fetish

“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend

@momthoughts13

So when married people take you on a tour of their house and show you the bedroom and say with a chuckle ‘this is where the magic happens’ they’re not talking about sex they’re talking about sleep

@Jarhead44

My ex just followed me on Twitter.

That said:

“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”

*BLOCKED*

@JamesHavoc

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.

@TheAlexNevil

*first day as Robin Hood

“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”