Publisher: Mike we can’t accept your children’s book. It’s far too stupid for even the stupidest child.
me: It was supposed to be for adults

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They say if you ever get attacked by a shark you should punch it in the nose which is easy cause imagine how composed you would be.


gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone

me: don’t worry I only breathe air


I am religious. I religiously avoid church.


Dammit I forgot my headphones and I’m at the airport wait here’s some for 16 million dollars thank god.


“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend


So when married people take you on a tour of their house and show you the bedroom and say with a chuckle ‘this is where the magic happens’ they’re not talking about sex they’re talking about sleep


My ex just followed me on Twitter.

That said:

“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”



What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.


*first day as Robin Hood

“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”