Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
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I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
cause of death:
autopsy.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you