COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Publisher: Mike we can’t accept your children’s book. It’s far too stupid for even the stupidest child.
me: It was supposed to be for adults
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Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Me: Between 2 and 5
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed in case 17 people break in and wanna play baseball