Publisher: Mike we can’t accept your children’s book. It’s far too stupid for even the stupidest child.
me: It was supposed to be for adults

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COP: I need to see some ID

ME: [hands him ID]

COP: this isn’t yours

ME: you said “some”

COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go


Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.


Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*

Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*


Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.

Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.


[feeding the cat]

Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.

Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.

Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.

Cat: I’m really hurt.


Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.


Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids

Wife: When?

Me: Between 2 and 5

Wife: Ok

Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6


If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person


I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.


I always keep a baseball bat under my bed in case 17 people break in and wanna play baseball