(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
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[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*