Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
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Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Candles never taste the way they smell
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.