@nicfit75

Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.

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@longwall26

A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.

@SaltyCorpse

You’re not a real parent until you’ve secretly wished your child’s sports team does bad in a tournament so you can go home early.

@beefman138

I have nothing positive to report.

Except that roadside drug test.

@TragicAllyHere

My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants

@WineMummy

Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.

@jilleb163

I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.

@leannuh

*first date*

Her: I’m a criminologist.

Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.

@XplodingUnicorn

[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]

Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.

Wife: You’re naked.

Me:

Wife:

Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.

@Izianikapani

Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.

@dhumann

If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.