Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
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I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking