A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
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You’re not a real parent until you’ve secretly wished your child’s sports team does bad in a tournament so you can go home early.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.