@nicfit75: Pugs. Because you can't own E.T.
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@GingerHotDish: I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
@ericONEderful: In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
@turbomanatee: Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, "Y'all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!"