[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
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I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Pizza is an emotion right?
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips