“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
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Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.