I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
You Might Also Like
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.