*pulled over by cop*

Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?

*tags cop*

Me: You’re it!


Me running away: Renewed!

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I’m running on two hours sleep. I can start a fight with air right now.


Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.

I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.


I’m white and my wife is black. I’m trying to convince her we should adopt a Chinese baby so we can tell people that’s how they are made


Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.


Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.


I don’t have a drinking problem, I’m very good at it


When a woman says “I can’t even tell you how upset I am right now” just wait 3 seconds.


[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]


Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar


The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.