@BrandonVine

*pulled over by cop*

Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?

*tags cop*

Me: You’re it!

Cop:

Me running away: Renewed!

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@wickedblondeone

Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings

@ddsmidt

If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.

I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.

@lincnotfound

[alternate lobster universe]

lobster king: send them in

[3 nervous humans are brought in by lobster guards]

lobster king: *without hesitation* INTO THE POT

@WGladstone

“She’s got legs. She knows how to use them.”
“So she’s ambulatory then?”
“… I guess?”
“And is that really all you’re looking for?”

@ProudFFAalumni

My son’s taking French and my daughter is learning sign language and now I have no idea what anyone’s talking about anymore.

@Skoogeth

guy: you wanna take this outside?

me: yeah, let’s do this

[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]

@notfaizzy

I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.

@aveuaskew

When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.

@rachelle_mandik

most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english

@gabbybendel

you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?