*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
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Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?