[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
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Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
[shakes fist at other fist]
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Just this preview of the story is enough
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
thank god
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you