[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
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[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
I ate everything, including the H.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know