[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
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“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.