[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
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some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
I’m crying im so happy for them
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on