[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
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6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.