[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…

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McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.


The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.

Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.


america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky


The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science


“Eat right and exercise?!?…

I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”


Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?

Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.


wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”


Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.

– Horton Has to Poo