[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
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[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
God has abandoned us.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.