[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
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I got soap in my shower beer again.
*exercises sarcastically*
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.