Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
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You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
This did not end as expected.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly