[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
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A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support