[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
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[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Got ya covered
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke